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Date:2009-01-20 13:21
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Mood: satisfied

Wahoo!

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Date:2007-01-17 00:52
Subject:Gratitude
Security:Public

I love my teachers. They are wise, caring souls. They do things differently, but are all working towards the same goal. My work, on occasion, feels holy. Couldn't ask for much more!

I hurt my back this morning. All that hard work this week: holding up women, odd positions, few hours of sleep every night (some with none!). All of that and I was holding together. But I have a down day and my ribs decide to tell me all about thier week. I currently in a brace and not having to breathe through the pain. Improvement.

Been to 8 births now. I am so proud of these women. Three were first time mothers. Two of those were very involved births. The fourh would have been Sat night, but she had no idea what labor was about, had only had two visits with the midwife, unsupportive harsh husband...they went to the hospital. Husband yelling at her that she was ruining her baby, that they are going to drug them both and screw things into the baby's head and... so on. To tiring to write about it. I sat in her living room with my midwife and cried. There are quite a few last minute midwifery clients coming from a bradley class. I hope the others are better prepared. AND have supportive partners. Childbirth is not a sport, you can't threaten someonw through it.

Feeling the need to have a baby quite strongly in the last week. This will pass. I know I'll have t get some sperm at some point. I'm worried about my fertility as my maternal side had all had hysterectomies by my age.

Midwife had me don a sterile glove at the last birth and feel a caput. Poor baby finally came out though! breathing through the pushing urge while sidelying with the bottom hip elevated got the side lips to melt away. Then we use exagerated mcroberts and supported squatting with two person hip presses to help that head get around the curve. And suddenly, there is a head!! Midwife 2 telling us to pick her up, quick! Such a sweet baby, at the 24 hour visit she was such a cuddle bug, sinks into whomever is holding her.

Holy work.

Time for a vicodan and sleep. Homevisit tom with another bradley class hospital awol client. Then an herbal induction with a 42+ client who unplugged herself from the pictocin at the hospital and walked out!!!!

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Date:2007-01-11 18:30
Subject:This is my life, this is what I want. But such sadness
Security:Public

Missed a birth today. I'm more ok with it than I thought I would be. Perhaps I'll strike out at something unrelated and realize that maybe I'm not as ok as I think I am.

Missed a birth because another woman was needing my attention as she will hopefully birth soon.

Glad that my limited knowledge is enough that my teacher could run to the other birth with 40 min to spare while I non-labor sat with the first woman.

I am loved. She said so. And I'm learning lots about the emotional landscape of a woman in prodromal labor so not all is lost. Catching babies of easy labors is the easy part. Spending 28 hours with an anxious woman is another.

I'm off to the tub.

Mope mope, whine.

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Date:2006-12-07 00:13
Subject:
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Baby 4!

I haven't had the plumment of mood that happened after the first three. Think I'm getting more comfortable in that space.

Need to write it out, but have to get up in 5 hours to drive 3 hours to a home visit for a woman who was unable to find a caregiver that wouldn't cut her open for her second baby.

I'm calm, contented.

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Date:2006-12-06 01:05
Subject:
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No one reads this, so I go back and forth about privacy issues.

Lots has happened:

Births 2 and 3
Meeting at the capitol
New couch
Ordered a pile of herbs from mountainrose

Physically, I'm falling apart. The past ten days have been one constant full body cramp/ache/tenderness.
Currently my calves are pulling near my knees, my left hip is so tight, left shoulder blade and spine just plain hurts. My nose is tender, sinuses feel fuzzy, neck is ready to spasm and I Can't Get Warm.

The shoulder I'm used to. The hip usually only bothers me for a few days of my cycle. I don't remember have leg cramps...ever. Could just be how I'm manifesting stress instead of my usual mental panic and fever blisters.

I really do hate my job. It will be over at the end of the year. I refuse to run another campaign under these conditions.

On the plus side. there is one!
I've enjoyed talking with my NW doula friend. It is nice having someone to call on the way home from work or a birth who understands my desires to a point.
I love living with my housemate. We are messy slobs, but it is so nice to come home to a friendly face.

I need to enter some data for the narm stats page now.

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Date:2006-11-14 14:23
Subject:Learning pains
Security:Public

I have a lot to learn about being on call.

Yesterday I had my boss cover for me, thinking it must be soonish. Mentor agreed.

I eventually fell asleep, woke at 8, no message.

Mentor calls at noon to have me check on client and maybe talk her through some spinning babyish stuff.

So I run downstairs, get her chart out of my car, call the mom.

We spend a few minutes talking about how her labor feels. She agrees to try the exaggerated upside down thing on the stairs. I'm thinking how great it will be if that gets her baby's face out of her pubic bone.

So I ask her to call me back after an hour or so. Why? she says, I'm at work right now.

At work?

I'm just baffled, bemused.

Well, here is to me not having to leave work tonight!

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Date:2006-11-14 00:20
Subject:
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GAHHHHHH

Was supposed to be a birth tonight. Went to work, took care of what I could, made my boss come in an cover...and now I'm sitting at home.

Home is cold...heat isn't working upstairs...just blowing cold air so i turned it off...still blowing cold...so I turned off the breaker. Now it is just cold up here, but I don't feel that I'm stuck in tundraland.

While waiting for the phone call to go I went to one of the "better" Old Navys and bought 4 more pairs of those grey yoga pants. Also got a hoodie sweatshirt and a XL child tshirt for layering. I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go!

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Date:2006-11-13 12:07
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: optimistic

Old Navy blessed me with 3 pairs of black and grey yoga pants for 3.50 each. I still need a few long grey t-shirts and some cotton jackets, but I'm feeling much more prepared for the flurry of births that are coming up.

Several pairs of clothes, some energy bars, basic toiletries all packed away in the trunk.

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Date:2006-11-07 04:14
Subject:timing
Security:Public

I can't sleep.

It is past 3 am.

What do you want to bet that I'll get called to a birth in 3 hours? Hmm? Any takers?

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Date:2006-10-28 16:39
Subject:
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One of our clients due in Nov was pregnant with twins. She was 25+6 yesterday. For the past few weeks she has been quite itchy, not extreme but keeps her up at night. Swelling in her hands, but not her feet. Her diet seemed reasonable to me. She had dual care with some doctors who didn't know she was planning a homebirth and two midwives in the area. There was to be a third midwife and myself there as well.

Last week midwife 2 suggested that she get a liver profile done because of the swelling and itching. Pee sticks were fine, BP was fine, everything was fine. She was already getting regular blood tests done at the doctor's office.

She got a liver profile done on Monday. It was "awful all around". I haven't heard what the OB was suggesting. Midwife 2 sent her back in to get a repeat profile done yesterday and before they even drew her blood I'm told that she crashed. Went into full blown HELLP. Babies were born via post seizure C/S and are stable. Mom is stabilizing.

I have two questions.

Why doesn't Varneys list itching ANYWHERE. Why didn't the constant stream of medical people catch this?

I'm also irritated that in the past 8 weeks we have had three births I was to attend: out of three only one was vaginal...two c/s, one for a separated uterine scar (hadn't gone into labor) and one for HELLP.

What the hell

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Date:2006-10-26 19:49
Subject:Breech in a standing position pictures
Security:Public

http://www.purebirth-australia.com/ucgallery/main.php?g2_itemId=168

After the quite fun breech workshop last week with Anne Frye (we got a little enthusiastic while posing for pictures in the library atrium and got hushed by the security guard!) I find these pictures quite interesting. Too bad there isn't a picture of when the head emerged. Anne says that the baby will bring its knees to the chest which will cause its chin to tuck in. The pressure of the back of the head will rub on the g-spot and the mother will spontaneously lean forward, freeing the chin from the sacrum.

Birth is so interesting.

I was pouring coffee at yesterday's GMA meeting so didn't hear the phone ring. It was one of the midwives calling to see if I wanted to go to a birth RIGHT THEN. And I never heard it ring...how sad. I've never formally met this midwife, but she had heard that my mentor was out of town. I'm told they found someone. Curious that I didn't hear the phone though, I've changed the ring tone to the most annoying "high-energy" drumming just so it will wake me up in the middle of the night...and yet in a silent house I don't hear it?

Sigh.

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Date:2006-10-15 09:45
Subject:Bonfire, or as one child called it, "Look, the pyre!"
Security:Public
Mood: tired

My midwife had a bonfire last night. I really enjoyed the chance to be a bit more silly than I normally am around her and her clients. Running around in the dark, giggling about bent sticks, kicking bits of fire here and there so that people didn't have to destroy themselves while cooking stuff in the main inferno.

Today I go to a "Giving Way" for a cute young mother who has raven black hair and a smattering of bright pink dreads. I just found out last night that I needed to bring her two gifts, one of love and one of service. Neither can be store bought. This stresses me. The same resistance that keeps me from turning in my homework is in play here. I don't want anyone to see my work!

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Date:2006-10-11 00:21
Subject:Employment
Security:Public

After a 2.5 hour chat with my new boss, lets call him S, I start screening callers tonight and will have a group interview on Friday. Actual calling starts Monday. After he left the coffee house I had a little freak out. How am I going to juggle this? School --which I'm dragging my feet on. My apprenticeship --which is going very well and now I need to ask her if she could not schedule any office visits to run after 4pm so that I can get to my 5-9 job by 5. And now the 5-9, 10-2 on Sat. job.

I showed boss my planner for the next few weeks. I *think* he understands that I will have to call him to fill in at times. It has been awhile since I've managed a callroom so there is some anxiety there as well.

I remind myself though, that none of this: not the grades, not the iffy ability to use the fetoscope, not the lack of clean clothes or my sometimes sour mood means anything. This moment is my life, my life's purpose is to follow my bliss.

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Date:2006-09-28 23:07
Subject:Prenatals
Security:Public

Long day of prenatals. Wonder why I get so tired though, conversations are interesting, I like the subject matter but after 3 women I'm so Done, yet there are 2-3 more to get through. I think it might be the lights in there. Wonder if I might ask B if she would like some floor lamps to use instead.

So tired. Must get up in 7 hours to do it all again unless her last client before her vacation is still having contractions tom. She didn't want me at her birth as it will already be a zoo and I was a last minute addition to the Sept mommas.

Tired. Eyes drooping, fingers shaking...

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Date:2006-09-20 12:34
Subject:Caring for an isolated friend
Security:Public

My friend C, is living in a small college town away from her friends and family -- just her and hubby. They have a preemie in the nicu. She will eventually be a pastoral counselor, so the issues and emotions she is dealing with are not foreign to her. Not in a theoretical sense. But she is hurting, and lonely, and not comfortable asking for help. Maybe she is asking, and I just don't hear her clearly. I'm not a close friend. I feel invasive. I need some training on this.

She wants help, attention, people to talk about the child. And she doesn't want to talk about it.

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Date:2006-09-19 14:25
Subject:First birth
Security:Public
Mood: pirat'y

Happened on Sunday. I've written 6 pages of thoughts. Will post when I can organize my thoughts.

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Date:2006-09-07 14:30
Subject:Preceptor Found
Security:Public

We had a 6 hour lunch. And I start tomorrow--although I won't get school credit till I've finished 144b. Oh well, all I've asked of the world is to lessen the isolation. This is progress.

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Date:2006-09-03 22:50
Subject:Pots and Kettles
Security:Public

NO, that isn't it.
Called my father today. Ostensibly about a burn to my tummy from boiling hot polenta spatter. I know how to treat a burn, but there is something about calling my daddy when I get a boo-boo...

He asked me about school. He asked me about School!! And then, as if his show of interest in my "birthing stuff", he mentioned that we he got back from Seattle, he would look into helping me out some. What?

This year has been moment after moment of little jumps of faith, last minute decisions, random appearance of needed support.

I made the decision to attend a school in less than a week. Now my father - the quiet man I can't seem to understand - is approving enough to want to help?

He may mean buying my books, maybe paying for a few classes, maybe he will pick up the rent. I have no idea. But whatever it is, the acceptance conveyed by his financial support is certainly a step forward.

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Date:2006-09-01 22:31
Subject:Cold
Security:Public

I was uncomfortably cold all day. Temp outside is in the 80's Inside it is 78. And yet I have on flannels and might put on socks. This isn't right!

My school work is terribly writing oriented at the moment. I knew this would be a component. But it is more a reality at this point. I who take hours to compose a paragraph when forced to write academically====am screwed.

For now! I'll get over it!

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Date:2006-08-29 23:20
Subject:Ethical? Practical
Security:Public

My school bills by the credit. The price was supposed to have gone up to $165 per. When I registered for a few classes today, the price was $115. Now I can pay for as many classes as I like, once I "activate" them, I have a year to finish.

Why wouldn't I max out one of my credit cards and save a thousand or two? (Even with interest.) My thought on this is that I'm currently enrolled as a cont ed. I couldn't see anything that stipulated the amount of classes I could complete as a CE and still, once I apply as a grad student, graduate with the program.

What to do...

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